Pintu Gerbang bukan Masalah

Aku belajar bahwa selalu ada pilihan untuk membiarkan pintu gerbang depan rumah terbuka. Dengan terbukanya pintu itu, sesiapa yang lewat boleh saja masuk dan langsung mengetuk pintu rumah. Dengan pintu terbuka, semua orang yang sedang lewat depan rumah atau sengaja menuju ke rumah untuk bertamu akan merasa disambut. Dengan kata lain, orang yang tiba di depan rumah tidak akan merasa kesulitan untuk segera masuk dan mengetuk pintu rumah.

Sebaliknya, ada pula pilihan untuk selalu menutup pintu gerbang. Bolehlah keamanan menjadi alasan. Boleh pula demi mencegah kucing atau hewan lain mampir ke halaman rumah. Apapun alasannya, pintu gerbang yang tertutup membuat orang yang ingin bertamu perlu mencari tombol bel di dekat gerbang, atau mencari kait gerbangnya untuk dibuka sendiri, atau mengetuk besi agar terdengar oleh pemilik rumah. Pintu gerbang yang tertutup mungkin membuat orang yang kebetulan lewat di depan rumah berpikir bahwa penghuni rumahnya sedang pergi. Mungkin pula orang yang kebetulan lewat dan ingin mampir jadi mengurungkan niatnya karena harus membayangkan kerepotan melewati pintu gerbang tertutup itu sebelum harus mengetuk pintu rumahnya. Namun bagi orang yang khusus mendatangi rumah itu untuk bertamu, pintu gerbang yang tertutup tidak akan mengurungkan niatnya untuk bertamu. Dia akan melewati gerbang itu baik dengan cara memencet tombol, membukanya sendiri setelah mengecek keadaannya yang tidak digembok, atau mengetuk sampai dibukakan.

Jadi pilihan itu ada di tanganmu, untuk membiarkan pintu gerbang terbuka, atau menutupnya dan hanya membuka saat ada orang yang minta dibukakan.

Hidup itu pilihan. Yang tidak bisa dipilih itu menjalani konsekuensinya. Semua pilihan datang sepaket dengan konsekuensinya. Pintu gerbang terbuka punya risiko sendiri, keuntungannya pun banyak. Pintu gerbang tertutup berisiko menyulitkan tapi cukup aman bagi sebagian orang.

Mungkin sementara ini aku akan menutup kembali pintu gerbangku yang beberapa waktu ini sengaja kubuka. Mungkin aku akan menutupnya dalam waktu lama. Mungkin aku harus memasang bel di situ agar tidak perlu melewatkan tamu yang kesulitan membuka sendiri gerbangku itu.

Ditulis tanpa air mata, setelah patah hati pada seorang bermata cemerlang (jaga-jaga jika aku lupa ini tentang siapa).

A Brunch and A Crush

“How about you, what specialty do you intend to take?” He asked enthusiastically over a steaming-hot bowl of soto, an Indonesian chicken soup with lots of candlenut.

“Umm, I don’t know, I am not sure. Even whether to take a specialty or remain a GP for the rest of my life.. But if I have to choose, I would love be a heart doctor.” I squeezed a slice of lime into my own bowl.

“What do you call doctors who help delivering babies?” he added curiously and a bit apologetically.

“OB/GYN.”

“Yeah, that.”

“Umm..”

I explained to him that I am not someone who can take that much pressure to be an OB/GYN doctor. I don’t have my whole days for other people too, waking up at 2 am to help moms, and so on. He was empathetic enough when he said,

“Ah I see, that’s why there are more male OB/GYN doctors.”

It was a brunch with someone I just met once before, happened after only a brief texting. Just like that, but it got me thinking. Well well, I am not sure whether it made me think about the specialty as a future career, or about the possibility that he could be involved in an unusual relationship with me, if you know what I mean, or merely a forgettable event of a random day with a random girl like me.

I had an answer popping in my mind immediately after I answered him. It came a split-second later than my actual spoken answer.

“I have been dreaming to be someone’s hero, if being a hero to the world is too big. I always want to do something with an instant, tangible result. I want to see the impact of my work, something to make me feel worthy and significant. Thus I was thinking of the professions that meet my dream. They are the orthopedic surgeon, who can always go abroad to be a volunteer, taking care of troubled limbs, saving lives in countries at wars, or being a public health expert who goes to developing countries (or rural areas in Indonesia!) and takes charge of the health education, the children’s immunization and health checks. Lately I found that OB/GYN doctor is also a hero, making the continuation of the generations possible.

I was so sure I would undergo whatever it takes to be my version of a hero, before I redefined what life really is. Or at least, how I can handle this life. I concluded that I can only create a good result by doing it with love. Thus I need to make sure that what I do is what I love to do. I realized that I can’t be doing something significant enough if the drive is not coming from within me. I can’t do my best if I am told what to do. I need to fall in love in what I do to bring a quality to the result. It would be too hard for me to drag myself, or push through if I don’t have passions in it. I need to guarantee myself that I won’t quit in the middle of the road.

Being an OB/GYN doctor is a good example of being my version of a hero, doing something with an instant and satisfying result. While, for example, a heart doctor may not see his impact in days or weeks, but maybe in years.

Long story short, if I don’t love it, I won’t take a particular pathway. I won’t take the risk of ruining it and disappointing people around me. I would rather, apparently, do something small and insignificant with all my heart. Oh, and secretly send prayers to God to bless what I do. And of course I respect those who want to be some kind of a hero, and appreciate their motivations and abilities to pursue their dreams. I just realized that I am not one of those awesome people.”

But you know, I ended up giving an unfinished answer and kept the ball rolling by asking about his future career. I am sure I have so many events in my life where I regretted what I said, and wished to say some other thing, or say it differently. This was definitely one of those events. But, whatever. No one would bear to listen to my long, boring explanation, either. Oh, and by the way, with my previous experience of having over-expectations, I have no comment on this guy, like, at all. *grin*

A heart in love is like a garden full of blooming flowers. (The Royal Botanical Garden, Melbourne, Australia)

In case someone wonders what I do

I have a medical background. So some people might expect that I see patients on a daily basis, wearing a stethoscope as a necklace, or give consultations on the phone. I am none of the above. I may be, one day, hopefully, but certainly not now. I am currently sitting on two chairs at once which I would further explain in two sections.

Scientist
Basically scientists are a bunch of people who are curious and serious about their curiosity. They are the ones who are willing to spend the rest of their life to answer their questions. Proving something or finding something by experiments or surveys or analyses. The results might answer some of world’s problems but they might as well become the foundation of further researches, or simply general knowledge. “For the sake of science itself” is my friend’s favorite answer when someone asks him what his aims in his researches are. He works on sex determination genes in chicken, by the way.
I jumped into this field for I need to do a research for my master’s thesis. Then here I am, among the scientists, working in the lab with pipets, DNAs, reagens, and advanced machines. Covered up by eye glasses, lab coat, and hand gloves, I learn to pipet correctly and keep clean in everything I do.
Scientists have meticulous conclusions and tend not to generalize or simplify. Their work is specific and focused. Scientists are also patient people, more like marathon runners rather than sprinters. Their pathways are long and often times windy. Experts in social science might say that scientists think linearly but for sure they use systematic approaches and believe only in facts and evidence and set aside opinions.
Now I enjoy reading journals and any publications about updates in science, especially biomedical science. It is always fun to know what other people in the world are doing with the advancement of technology and knowledge. Reading those journals keeps me expecting a brighter future be it a cure for AIDS or convenience in living this life.

Counsellor
Counselling is a part of psychology. It deals with good communication, empathy, and human relationship. Counsellors are people with empathy and good communication skills. I get to sit with these guys learning how to deliver a bad news to a family, how to understand what the family needs and feels and make them feel helped. Those sort of things are feasible to do in daily life simply by listening to a friend who has problems and make him/her feel better after talking to us. Informative counseling is also important as these counselors are the ones who have the responsibility to convey any findings or information regarding the conditions. Not only empathy is needed but also knowledge of a particular field is crucial to master in order to give the correct information.
Now I tend stuck up my nose for having seen patients and listened to their complaints, but it is possible that physicians in general don’t have the counseling skill, they just consult, not counsel.
Those two are basically what I do now in this beautiful continent in southern part of the earth. I keep questioning myself about my interest for my future, is it a scientist, or a counselor, or both? But then there is a third option. It is being a physician. Or well, you can be the three of them; doing researches, counseling people, and treating patients.
The third option has always been there but for a few months lately it was obscured by the overwhelming activities I have in this institution. I was reminded about an option of seeing patients by an accidental event of coming across a doctor from very own Indonesia and getting to talk to him. He is a pediatrician who undertakes fellowship in gastroenterology here. I looked forward to talking to him again about my doubts of future or about my thirst on medicine lately.
Whenever people ask me what I want to do in the future I still have no clue. I hope they don’t ask me until I have the answer.

Note: counsellor is a British spelling, since I am in Oz, you know..

Coretan Malam

Ini minggu keduaku di Melbourne. Dingin masih terasa. Tapi mulai terbiasa, ketika sudah mengganti pakaian dari katun ke wool. Ya, dari kapas ke bulu domba. Alias dari nabati ke hewani.

Demikian pula isi kulkas, sudah tidak ada nasi (eh sejak kapan nyimpen beras di kulkas). Sejak ibu kos diet dan pantang nasi, aku pun mengikuti. Sayur, buah, produk susu (alias yogurt dan keju), dan mungkin ikan (kalengan).

Kaki ini belum mau kompromi. Aku sungguh mencintai tram, alat transportasi legendaris khas Australia (atau Melbourne?). Jika dikonversi ke rupiah, ongkosnya mahal sekali. Sekitar 70 ribu sehari, sepuasnya. Sebulan sudah dua juta habis hanya untuk transportasi. Tapi memang pusing kalau apa-apa otomatis dikonversi ke rupiah. Ini minggu kedua dan aku masih melakukannya. Sudah diteriaki banyak pendahulu yang ke luar negeri; jangan konversikan harga; bisa depresi nanti.

Minggu kedua, dan aku baru mulai melihat apa yang akan kulakukan. Dan tiba-tiba aku ingin berdiri di pojokan dan menangisi hidupku. Atau diriku, sebagai orang yang tidak bisa apa-apa, dan terlebih, tidak punya cita-cita jelas dalam hal karir dan profesi.

Tapi kemudian aku menghibur diri, ini kan baru hari pertama ikut kegiatan… Mengapa tidak mencoba melihat dan bertanya lebih banyak, dan putuskan saja setelah melihat dan melakukan dan belajar banyak hal.

Jadi itulah kalimat favoritku di hari kedua masuk, yang berarti hari pertama ikut kegiatan (karena hari pertama kemarin adalah perkenalan dan orientasi tempat), bahwa semua butuh adaptasi. Bahkan adaptasi impian. Adaptasi harapan atas apa yang akan dipelajari di sini.

Semoga istiqomah. aamiin.

A Note to Self

It has been a while. Anyway, I am changing but not as fast as I thought I would be.

I have been through some things. For example the New Age Movement (see google please) which was covered nicely by some popular books in my country, say Ippho Santosa’s books, Yusuf Mansur and Pencinta Sedekah tweets. I stumbled upon someone’s tweet revealing this and it all made sense. Those ‘positivity’ seems to be impossible. I would not provoke anyone to say bad things about someone’s books or whatsoever. It’s just the thought to put a trust in THE UNIVERSE itself has flaws. The fatal flaw? Associating others with ALLOH (menyekutukan Alloh, red.). Putting the universe before Alloh, while the universe itself is created by Alloh. And that’s it, end of discussion.

I felt like punched in my tummy when I knew about those whole cover ups by (maybe, who else) the illuminati.

I am still the old me who procrastinates almost everything (even going to bed, because it needs prep like brushing teeth and washing face), and I still don’t know what to do after all of these. Yes, the master thingy. I can only dream of being proposed by a prince charming in a shining armor who rides a white horse (a dark brown horse is also fine) . He would take me somewhere beautiful far far faraway from this reality.

Anyway, I found beauty in the Quran. I don’t understand the language. I don’t recite beautifully, as well. But I found it peaceful to just read it outloud. The sceptics might say that it maybe because of the self-suggestion. Whatever. Those beautiful ayah (ayat, red.) are impossible to be made by humanbeing. Just too divine.

Well, I found it startling that all I was asking to God is happiness in this mortal world. While the eternal happiness and peace can only be found in heaven, and that is the first thing that should come in our mind. This should be our very first ideal in life.

Well, Ayu, please enjoy your time. Keep  struggling and trying to be humble.

Proposal Lagi, Proposal Lagi

Di tengah-tengah penulisan proposal thesis master saya, saya terpikir untuk mengalihkan perhatian sebentar ke blog yang sudah luama (saking lamanya) tidak saya sentuh ini.

Baiklah. Sebagai seorang akademisi (baca: mahasiswa master yang beberapa tahun lagi akan mengajar mahasiswa, aamiin) saya seharusnya berkompetensi membuat tulisan ilmiah. Saya suka menulis, itu benar. Namun tulisan macam apa yang bermanfaat bagi orang lain? Saya hanya menulis diary secara rutin, dan saya yakin itu bermanfaat bagi saya sang ekstrovert yang seringkali merasa tidak enak jika curhat ke orang lain. Saya menemukan cara untuk berintrospeksi tanpa menimbulkan kehebohan maupun ketidakenakan jika melibatkan orang lain: diary.

Nah sekarang tulisan ilmiah sudah semestinya menjadi semacam pekerjaan rutin bagi kami para akademisi. Ya kan.. Maksud saya, pastilah kami harus memperbaharui (transliterasi untuk update, betulkah?) pengetahuan kami dengan terus mendapatkan informasi valid melalui jurnal ilmiah maupun artikel penelitian.
Secara pasif kami bisa menjadi manusia berwawasan. Nah sekarang secara aktif, apa yang bisa kami lakukan selain mulai menulis? Pengetahuan terus berkembang dan kaum akademisi adalah kontributor yang mempertahankan dinamikanya. Bagaimana manusia bisa tinggal diam dengan segala pertanyaan di otaknya sementara fasilitas tersedia untuk mereka (=kami) melakukan pembuktian-pembuktian bahwa suatu pemikiran itu benar atau salah, contohnya melalui penelitian?
Sebenarnya sejauh saya menulis ini tujuan saya adalah afirmasi untuk menyemangati diri sendiri menulis proposal……

Betapa menulis proposal merupakan suatu hal yang menyenangkan. Kita bisa memasukkan apapun ke situ. Impian-impian kita. Keresahan kita mengenai ketimpangan pengetahuan yang ada. Pertanyaan tak terjawab yang akan coba kita jawab sendiri melalui metode yang telah ratusan tahun dipercaya efektif: penelitian.

Sekarang dari teknisnya sendiri, proposal merupakan suatu hasil karya yang indah. Penulisannya meliputi pemikiran mendalam mengenai sesuatu.Kemudian kita mulai mencari pendukung maupun pembangkang topik itu. Pendukung itu kita kumpulkan, kemudian kita sintesis menjadi suatu adonan yang indah, yang dimasak dengan penuh cinta untuk menghasilkan latar belakang yang hebat.
Bayangkan jika bahan-bahannya segar langsung dari alam, yaitu jurnal-jurnal terbaru terbitan tahun 2011 (ya, daftar pustaka proposal saya kebanyakan hasil penelitian tahun ini!), pastilah hasilnya lebih hebat lagi.
Hingga akhir tulisan ini, saya berharap semangat saya meningkat minimal lima kali, sehingga ‘kliping’ jurnal terbitan tahun ini yang sudah saya tempel rapi di file word bisa segera saya ulen menjadi adonan empuk yang kalis..

Ayo semangatlah. Seru, tau… 😉

The Question

I was having an insightful chat with my senior in medschool. She was talking about the pursuit of dreams. We made our own dreams, so we need to make them come true. Dreams are there to be materialized.

Then she asked me, “What are your real passions?”

Well it was all narrowed down to career. We talked about the clinician, researcher, lecturer, professor, and even simply housewife. We weren’t talking about

Reviewing my ideal

Well it’s been 4 years since i graduated from my magnificent high school. i would like to express more disappointments than gratitude, yet i feel pretty well about myself now. I would like to have more things to reach now and in the future, become better person, and have more achievements in my life.

I do miss my best friends coming from all over Indonesia. I miss them. I want to see them. Partly because I just miss the moments I spent for 3 years with them all, the cheers and the tears. But partly because I want to refresh my ideals as well, what we thought about ourselves in the future, what we will be like.. And for sure how they look like now, because I heard that some of them define success clearly from what they are now.

Well, I am shouting out loud: please refresh my mind about what i want for my future!!!! I lost them all, I forgot what I need to do for the sake of my future! Am crying silently…

Finally, a contemplation

I am getting closer to what to call a clerkship in the hospital. I do want to prepare myself for that great opportunity in my life. Well, of course partly because I will be in a special group together with particular friends that I’ve chosen myself (and thank God they accept me), but mostly because it will affect my performance in becoming a doctor in the future.

Though I haven’t even thought what will be my clear pathway after graduating from this long-term struggle in the faculty, I believe somehow skill is number one capability besides communication, for a professional doctor.

I also realize that this eighth-semester-syndrome has overwhelmed my year so much that we get to talk about that all the time. What else?! Sure, marriage. I don’t think I deserve to give any comment even just a little. I know there are too much things I have to prepare, especially for someone like me who tends to put high standards but hasn’t even start stepping forward.

I was trying to say that it’s all about preparing two things, for a clerkship, and for a m****age. So funny to confess, but what can I do?!! Those are lying in my mind nowadays.

I try to set up a new behavior these days. Reading a book everyday!! Quite hard and impossible for me, I know. But it’s worth the effort! I’ve started borrowing books from my friends and piling ones in my bedside. Hahaha, but easily getting bored after a page or two. I really have to maximize my 24 hours if I want to finish those piles. Sure it means that maybe maximum time to sleep is 6 hours which is a disaster for lazy me >.<

Keep fighting, that’s all I know. Sometimes or even so many times I forget what my intentions in my life are. I forget that I have big dreams to catch. I forget that I am someday a great person in my own imagination, perfectly planned. I forget that I am born gifted and talented, so that there’s no reason to stop moving forward to get to my dreams.

Really, sometimes forgetfulness could stop me from getting closer to my dreams, to my future. So keep remembering the dreams is number two most important in our life, I believe. Without one, we wouldn’t go to a meaningful place, at all. We’ll just go, follow the flow, or be in a shadow…

I believe I have everything in me to catch my dreams, and I believe it’s never too late to catch up and run. we’ll run ss fast as we can, to a brighter tomorrow.

We know sometimes we get lazy, but whenever we remember that flaw, just start raising and run, and keep running, to that light in front that we’ve set up a long time before.

Well yeah, everybody has a light, and that light must be very bright it makes us want to go for it. And our life is to be sacrificed…

In a loneliness and sleepiness,
May 28th.

Sekai ni hitotsu dake no hana!

D’ya know what does dat sentence above mean?! Hm… Should I tell?!! Hehehehe… It means ” The one and only flower in the world”. And it is the title of Japanese song (oooh, no more Japanese!! haha.), which reminded us not to be unconfident, coz everyone is special, unique, and no one compares. Agree? Sure!!!
Hm, that’s all i can tell today, got a lot of stuffs to do… Yup, occupied by AMSA and else.

Hope tomorrow be better than today!