The headcover and the greek

You can say this is just a tram conversation when you happened to be waiting for a tram for quite some time (trams’ frequency is usually once in 4 mins), say 30 minutes (something must’ve happened), someone walked to and fro around you, and when the tram came, you jumped in the tram, and finally got a place to sit, and happened to be in front of him, and then he thought he had the reason to greet you with, “Oh there you are, I was looking for you, I thought you were not in this tram, and I thought that was weird…”  And it just went casually as a stranger-to-a-stranger short conversation.

It started with a standard question of where I came from, to his comments on Islam, to his opinion that Indonesians’ ancestors might came from Greece since some Indonesian language derived from Greek (and one second I tried to recall whether Yunan meant Yunani), and my struggle to rebuttle (weleh bosone) but vaguely heard since the tram was so crowded. And there it went, I gave up debating him, and decided to just listen to what he had to say. I nodded and asked the hopefully right questions, and hold my tongue not to further defend my own religion in front of so many people who might eavedrop our convo.

I rolled my eyes at some of his sayings, and at some points felt bad for doing so, but then I did it again, but he continued anyway, saying things about what in the end I found out to be his belief. He even showed me symbols, numbers, and scratched a paper to show other languages for the word ‘zeus.’  I wanted to glance at the woman sitting next to me, to find out whether our convo disturbed her and use it as a reason to stop the oh-so-deep topic, but I held myself.

The tram convo ended when he had to drop before I did, but he added some points until a short lady (litterally half the height of this middle-age man) asked an excuse to be given a way, and he was drifted to the door and disappeared.

I stared at the tram’s window and tried hard to remember what he said. I remembered the silver crucifixion necklace hanging on his chest behind the black suit, and that his English was no better than mine.

All I could remember was that Islam was labeled as a religion exalting the moon, and that I failed uttering the fact that at least his views on Islam might be wrong. But then I felt better recalling that I managed to ask whom he believe, and what his religion was called. I also realized just today in the tram that an orthodox believes in Zeus instead of Jesus, but I might misunderstand his English, that he (and/or his religion) might believe that Jesus is Zeus. I also concluded that he approached me in the first place for the headcover I wore. And as my friend ever said that people believing in certain religion will have a better and longer discussion when talking to each other compared to when an atheist meets a religion believer.

At the end of the day I am grateful for what I believe. I still feel bad for the fear that I might not representing my religion well, but at least I got the chance to listen to someone about something new for me and that would not have happened if I acted differently. So I am also grateful for what happened today.

Oh, by the way, the tram I used today was a bullet-shaped tram, different and fancier than what I see and use daily. 🙂

Going Back from Yogya

Hi All! (As though it was seen by anyone)
The result is not always exactly like what we expected, and furthermore, isn’t like what we have struggled for. Okey, I am talking about the JOVED. On that English debating competition, we did the best, I admit. But still, it wasn’t good enough. I admit we lack of training and gathering. Thus we found no chemistry among the three of us. We found it on the last preliminary round, maybe. Even though I’ve mentioned debate, debate, and debate, all the time in my previous posts, apparently it was disappointing. I found no one to be blamed. It was just me… And maybe some part of my heart is still there in Jogja. In the lodge. In the university. Or in the car.

Now I know what it feels like to be the Indonesian national team of football. It hurts. Despite the fact that we have to admit own weakness and other’s strength, it still hurts. Maybe because we ever hope. We expect. We pray. Hope is what keeps us struggle. Realizing that hope doesn’t always fit the reality, is one of lessons in life.

Going out from the word ‘disappointment’, there are still lots of thing to be learned. I claimed myself as a long-life learner. I love to learn everything (but only if I’m not that lazy). I learned how to debate, right on the competition. Wow, it feels good to see them debating. But I bet it will feel much better if I am there, and all eyes are on me. I see my and our mistakes through other people. I get to know lots of youngsters, who more or less have common interest. Yes, in speaking English, and arguing. Haha, pretty weird, I know.

There’s no waste of time, for sure. At least, I tried to convince myself that the previous month of having the debate’s prep wasn’t that useless. I suggested myself that learning is expensive. Whether time, or money, or energy. Learning is always expensive. It costs a semester. It costs half a million rupiah. It costs humiliation. It costs disappointing marks–Cs. Well, we could regret only and if only we don’t learn this lesson.

I’m fixing my whole-semester-laziness by taking short semester for 9 sks. I’ll have to work hard on it. I can’t waste my parents’ money on it. I can’t waste my time on it. Thus I should be into it.

Blogging activities should not be restricted, anyway. Haha, compared to what we were debating that this house would restrict blogging activities. There’s no need. We have done no harm. We just share what our heart tells us. We want people to hear our joy or cry or hope. That’s all. At least, that’s the nature of writing blogs.

Cloudy, rite?

I do not wanna sigh, for it was all my fault. But then again I tried to blame myself, in order not to be lazy like usual. I am concern about my marks. They were almost all, a carbon-chain. Yeah. Cs are everywhere. Hate them all.

While I have to focus on my camp, I had this thought: to escape from all my responsibility as a camp leader. I do want to run from being a camp leader. I need to fix my mistake. I need to study harder in this holiday. I need to join the short semester.

But then I realized that this was my fault. Being responsible to what we have done, though it was out of control, is a sign of being mature. Hey, I am almost twenty one….

One bright thing happens these days is just I improved in driving car, and I am on my way to get the driving license, in a proper way. Thus it will be cheaper. The price, yeah. It was the only reason to get the license on normal path. Being honest always feels good inside.

I am looking forward to seeing either harry potter movie or the final book. Well I plan to watch the movie together with Julie, the German girl who will soon come to my house and spend 4 months with me. She will be in Indonesia for voluntary service in Setara, an NGO concerning street children. I do look forward to having nice days with her. Since I am the host, my parents and I have to work hard in tiding our messy home. Hahahaha. Yeah, to be honest, we have to move many things and clean many places.

It’s three days to go to the big event of debating competition. I have not made myself ready either the skill of public speaking nor the materials. Well good luck to me, I mean good luck for the struggle!!!

Becoming idealistic, as always>.<

Well, thank God, all I can say. I have passed this semester’s exams. Whatever the result will be, I feel like I have done my best. I sacrificed my time to sleep and play, I read a lot, I realized many things lately. Though the results won’t always be exactly like we struggle for, I am hoping for the best. And even though these whole months I spent in vain, such as watching TV shows, sleeping, going around, I still fought for my fate these two weeks. I hope it will be paid off.

Since blogging will always be full of one’s life story, I want to share one. Uh, some, I mean. I am currently attending an Arabic course. Yeah, lughatul arabiyah. It’s twice a week. It needs recalling every time we get there to attend. It consists of nine girls. All are diligent, except me, maybe. I always feel I am smart enough not to so often recall the stuffs.

We are going to a step of what-so-called nahwu. Way different. Yeah, I am challenged. Moreover, I concluded that every time I got home from the course, I gained some of my confidence and existence (maybe it’s an improper word). I feel alive! I feel worthy. I feel I am quite important to exist here on earth. I live to learn everything, to notice and feel the senses of Allah’s creations. So it gives me certain satisfaction, even now, while I still can not understand a long sentence in Arabic. I always love to learn language. Even, on the last course on yesterday, the ustadz told us the importance of studying Arabic. That’s definitely our own language!! We use it everyday!!! And so on and so forth, with my heart soon became fired up just by hearing that.

I can say I am trying to provoke anyone reading this, that learning Arabic is beyond interest. It’s a need. It’s one of our way to be a real moslem, if we are one.

Now let’s jump to debate. Yeah, debate. One of my important things to be struggled for these months, after the previous final exams, research proposal, work camp, and for sure, Arabic course. We are facing the competition. It’s next week!!! Huahhh.. I really have to jump. Jump from all-night-alertness to another one. I need to read a lot of materials, otherwise I will be humiliated in front of everyone in the comp. I need to reduce my ‘medhok’ness, otherwise I won’t be able to catch anyone’s attention. I need to learn, I need to make big steps!

I do hope for that event. This really is my chance. As a girl who claims herself as having low confidence, I need this opportunity so bad. This is again my chance to prove to myself that I am able. I can do it, if I want. I can make it. Opportunity never comes twice.

About the research proposal, we are struggling together. My friends and I. We are five. We are curious and enthusiastic. We are motivated. We’ve planned the steps. Thus we will start our act soon. Big one!

I have no time to have the euphoria of post-exam days. Yeah, instead of doing this blogging, I mean. I need to go on. It’s always been good to be a moslem. There’s always be a verse about something. Even now, that “Do the next thing after finishing something.”

Well, no time to be wasted in vain. Our future depends on what we do NOW.

An Unforgettable Betrayal

I went through these weeks with so much feelings inside. Well, I passed the debating season with the great teams of UNDIP. They are new friends for me. We had a tough week before the competition, and ended up with a lil bit disappointment. But it’s OK, let my heart sing out this, that experience is the greatest teacher, no matter what.

I learned a lot during my betrayal to my beloved ideal: being a good doctor. While all of my friends in campus study hard for a-next-10-days-exam, I went out to have a discussion about something I didn’t understand (presidential election, free trade, adoption for same sex couple, etc… etc…). While other people, the doctor-wannabe, talked about the lecture, what was the materials for the exam, etc, I just waited for few people to have another training for the competition.

No, no, I am not complaining at all. I just want to be grateful. Those were what I thought about what I was doing. But then I realized that by doing that betrayal (debating about I-dunno-what instead of studying and reading thick-English-written textbooks), I can learn at least something.

I have friends and develop nice relationship with them. That’s human nature, I think. Mingling with people and having a nice conversation about anything, or just laughing for a ‘samui’ jokes… That brightens my days, for sure. People come and go in our life, and someday we are the one who will leave the people. And every time I remember of losing the people, it scares me.

And then looking something from what it can be seen by eyes or superficially is just shallow. It was crab. Look beyond what you see, that the right one, and that will be my next principal of life.

Other things I got from these weeks are the fact that I realized (again), that I will easily have a crush on charming or impressive people. Hhhh… Just by knowing someone for a short time, I could get into weird feeling that I hate. I don’t really hate the feeling of crushing a boy, but I have to admit that it ruins my schedule to be a religious person. I hate to be invaded by laziness to be off from my bed, for things called blurry dreams.

So, yeah, here comes the core of my blog today: I again have a crush!!!

One more thing about the debate, that I realized that I need to be confident. I need it so bad. And for sure, debating is one of the way to gain one. A lack-of-confident-girl is searching for achievements. Here I am. I am dying to have achievements! But I call myself as nato, no action talk only. Hmph, still hoping and (then) struggling to be active and not talkative, then.

Well, I got irritated lately by my own feeling of crushing a boy. I definitely don’t what to describe what he is like, or why I could easily fall into this maksiat situation. The point is I am a lame girl, easily disturbed by the look, and a lil bit by the grooves.

I have palpitation (this is different topic). It is a medical term for a stronger, or just faster heart beat. I dunno why. I’ve had it for maybe one week, after one week absent, and about ten days previously. It is psychologically related disorder, I hope. Yet I am afraid it is purely an abnormality in my hemodyamics. Well since I announced to the world that I am a sanguineous, I should have been stronger in this case. I mean, in cardiovascular system in my body.

So I jump into a conclusion (these were totally words of debaters) that it might be because of my feeling to my crush (or crushes?).. I dunno, maybe hoping to meet and laugh together again, or dying to be his (or their) wife, or just disappointed for what I’ve done to him (or them) awkwardly. So it definitely made my heart jumps all the time! (Of course, it jumps about 80 times a minute.. >.