Well yeah it’s been a while since I last wrote things in English. Well, it’s about me.I don’t see any improvement in me, while my target of either getting slimmer or having someone to marry is so close it makes me panic.
Haha, that is so lame, knowing that here I am, still the old me. Spending hours in front of facebook or of my getting-boring-blog-since-rarer-comments-show-up, or simply falling asleep in front of TV playing AXN or metroTV. Sure the earth revolves, just like the time. I just move like I am pushed to do so, there’s no choice. There’s no way to stop. That’s all.
Hey I am a true daydreamer, with all the good things in my head: getting degree of MD next year, being proposed by someone, having experience abroad with no money out of my pocket, writing books or articles or whatever-that-makes-me-proud-and-feel-capable, or just travelling around the beautiful Indonesia, or fluently speaking Arab and Japanese and German.
What makes people worthy??… I am here feeling unworthy. Regardless of what I am doing now: moving my rotation in the hospital from OB/GYN into forensics which is a total different way of life; enjoying being together with family and with my formerly-abandoned books like novels and comics; spending time making money by translating; listening to a good friend about her far-away-boyfriend and their long-distance relationship… Still, I feel empty inside.
I even blame my having a pre-menstrual syndrome, which has been a week and nothing happened. Not even a fluor. Hahah, sorry. And about the cliche thing they always tell me: remember Who Creates You. Yeah, that probably is the answer of why I feel so empty and unworthy inside.
Besides, I am questioning about how people get married. My religion said that there’s no way to have a relationship that contains showing affection to each other, going out together, and so forth before the two get married to each other. I said yes, I understand. But then again, it seems impossible, since one by one my idols start doing that: dating, having boy/girlfriend, or whatever that ruins the definition of “an Islamic way to start a family by doing a proper approach to the opposite sex”… At least, ruins my own definition of it.
Hah, so that’s the problem of why I feel bad of myself? That I am losing my grip on which I should believe, or that maybe it’s impossible to say “no” to dating or be in a relationship before someone get married while it’s been years for me to declare not to go out with someone before I get married to him?! I don’t think anyone would really want to hear this kind of stuff from me. That explains why I love writing in my getting-boring blog.
I know, I hate to be told of what I’ve known. I know, I know. It’s not that simple. It’s not that one is black and one is white. Maybe there are things to consider, that’s why the future bride and groom have to go out together to find out.
Someone said to me, “I hate people going out”. Now I do agree on that! Just because I don’t have that someone or I keep blaming the world for telling me about that thing; “an Islamic way to start a family by doing a proper approach to the opposite sex”; while the world failed to show me how it factually works.
Someday I will be laughing at this posting for being so desperate. Someday when I’ve grown up.