I went through these weeks with so much feelings inside. Well, I passed the debating season with the great teams of UNDIP. They are new friends for me. We had a tough week before the competition, and ended up with a lil bit disappointment. But it’s OK, let my heart sing out this, that experience is the greatest teacher, no matter what.
I learned a lot during my betrayal to my beloved ideal: being a good doctor. While all of my friends in campus study hard for a-next-10-days-exam, I went out to have a discussion about something I didn’t understand (presidential election, free trade, adoption for same sex couple, etc… etc…). While other people, the doctor-wannabe, talked about the lecture, what was the materials for the exam, etc, I just waited for few people to have another training for the competition.
No, no, I am not complaining at all. I just want to be grateful. Those were what I thought about what I was doing. But then I realized that by doing that betrayal (debating about I-dunno-what instead of studying and reading thick-English-written textbooks), I can learn at least something.
I have friends and develop nice relationship with them. That’s human nature, I think. Mingling with people and having a nice conversation about anything, or just laughing for a ‘samui’ jokes… That brightens my days, for sure. People come and go in our life, and someday we are the one who will leave the people. And every time I remember of losing the people, it scares me.
And then looking something from what it can be seen by eyes or superficially is just shallow. It was crab. Look beyond what you see, that the right one, and that will be my next principal of life.
Other things I got from these weeks are the fact that I realized (again), that I will easily have a crush on charming or impressive people. Hhhh… Just by knowing someone for a short time, I could get into weird feeling that I hate. I don’t really hate the feeling of crushing a boy, but I have to admit that it ruins my schedule to be a religious person. I hate to be invaded by laziness to be off from my bed, for things called blurry dreams.
So, yeah, here comes the core of my blog today: I again have a crush!!!
One more thing about the debate, that I realized that I need to be confident. I need it so bad. And for sure, debating is one of the way to gain one. A lack-of-confident-girl is searching for achievements. Here I am. I am dying to have achievements! But I call myself as nato, no action talk only. Hmph, still hoping and (then) struggling to be active and not talkative, then.
Well, I got irritated lately by my own feeling of crushing a boy. I definitely don’t what to describe what he is like, or why I could easily fall into this maksiat situation. The point is I am a lame girl, easily disturbed by the look, and a lil bit by the grooves.
I have palpitation (this is different topic). It is a medical term for a stronger, or just faster heart beat. I dunno why. I’ve had it for maybe one week, after one week absent, and about ten days previously. It is psychologically related disorder, I hope. Yet I am afraid it is purely an abnormality in my hemodyamics. Well since I announced to the world that I am a sanguineous, I should have been stronger in this case. I mean, in cardiovascular system in my body.
So I jump into a conclusion (these were totally words of debaters) that it might be because of my feeling to my crush (or crushes?).. I dunno, maybe hoping to meet and laugh together again, or dying to be his (or their) wife, or just disappointed for what I’ve done to him (or them) awkwardly. So it definitely made my heart jumps all the time! (Of course, it jumps about 80 times a minute.. >.